Yesterday I had 3 individual ideas for witterings. Today, I've had a further one. Do you think I can flesh any of them out into a fully fledged wittering? Can I hell!
Wittering the first
Cause - my boss's leaving do
Main thrust of wittering - I haven't been out properly on a Friday night in ages, last time I tried to go out, I completely failed to even dress up as I was trying to get Gav out the door to his own event at Christmas.....prior to that, it would have been well before he went into ICU last summer....even if I went, I haven't got anything to wear......I'm fat, all of my clothes make me look dowdy......I haven't even got any nice shoes!
Basis in reality - individually, all valid points, however, I really shouldn't have conflated them all together into one messy lump like that. No wonder I never made it out of the door!
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Friday, November 04, 2011
A feeling-full post
Having recently reread "Jo's Boys" by Louisa May Alcott, I've decided that some of Prof Bhaer's words are good words. Feeling-full is one of them (feeling-gull, however, is not!).
Today is very definitely a very feeling-full day
Today is very definitely a very feeling-full day
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Oh look, it's 00:08am
(Stop being pedantic! I know that should have been 0008hrs or 12:08am but 00:08am looks more dramatic)
Home group tonight was good, except for when we caught up on our Week 2 homework which was to do a "spiritual health assessment". Basically just a questionnaire with questions like "I am growing in my ability to share and show my love to others", "I have a growing relationship with God, through reading the Bible and praying", "I am faithfully attending my home group and Sunday services to worship God". All answers were from 1 to 5 with 1 being "beginning" and 5 being "well developed". To start with, I disagreed with "beginning" as that seemed to give no option for having begun, got a good way along the path and then having been knocked right back, possibly to behind where you first started the journey. I then decided that I really didn't like some of the questions (the only honest answer for the second question I mentioned up there is, basically, any negative number as I feel the relationship is shrinking rather than growing)
But then, having thought about what I've just written and what we were talking about tonight, I can't help but think that I might actually be completely wrong. I'm not sure that, in actual fact, my prayer time with God isn't more honest than it has been in the past. I'm not asking for anything or trying to praise Him, I'm just sat there saying, "I can't talk to you yet." I know I'm sat in the middle of a cocoon made from barbed wire but it shields me and prevents Him getting too close. (My analogy makes sense to me. I am, mentally and spiritually, battered and bruised right now. I'm getting better which is why I'm covered with dressings and bandages {hence why the accurate answer to "how are you?" following one really good worship and prayer session would have been "bandaged up properly for the first time"} Anyway, protecting this very battered me is a huge spiral of barbed wire to stop God reaching in to heal me. One day, I will take all this metaphorical barbed wire down and start praying and worshipping "properly" again but that's still some way off yet.
(One day, I will post before I'm ready to fall asleep at my keyboard. Zzzzzzzzzzz)
Home group tonight was good, except for when we caught up on our Week 2 homework which was to do a "spiritual health assessment". Basically just a questionnaire with questions like "I am growing in my ability to share and show my love to others", "I have a growing relationship with God, through reading the Bible and praying", "I am faithfully attending my home group and Sunday services to worship God". All answers were from 1 to 5 with 1 being "beginning" and 5 being "well developed". To start with, I disagreed with "beginning" as that seemed to give no option for having begun, got a good way along the path and then having been knocked right back, possibly to behind where you first started the journey. I then decided that I really didn't like some of the questions (the only honest answer for the second question I mentioned up there is, basically, any negative number as I feel the relationship is shrinking rather than growing)
But then, having thought about what I've just written and what we were talking about tonight, I can't help but think that I might actually be completely wrong. I'm not sure that, in actual fact, my prayer time with God isn't more honest than it has been in the past. I'm not asking for anything or trying to praise Him, I'm just sat there saying, "I can't talk to you yet." I know I'm sat in the middle of a cocoon made from barbed wire but it shields me and prevents Him getting too close. (My analogy makes sense to me. I am, mentally and spiritually, battered and bruised right now. I'm getting better which is why I'm covered with dressings and bandages {hence why the accurate answer to "how are you?" following one really good worship and prayer session would have been "bandaged up properly for the first time"} Anyway, protecting this very battered me is a huge spiral of barbed wire to stop God reaching in to heal me. One day, I will take all this metaphorical barbed wire down and start praying and worshipping "properly" again but that's still some way off yet.
(One day, I will post before I'm ready to fall asleep at my keyboard. Zzzzzzzzzzz)
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
A week later
I've survived what could well have been the world's most difficult weekend and I was doing so damned well until last night. I didn't sleep well, I kept waking up every couple of hours and then I had a really unfriendly dream. I dreamt it was my wedding day. I'm still not sure where this wedding took place. It wasn't X Church, if anything, it looked more like the Graphics room in the Technology block at my old school, possibly crossed with one of the many St P's around here. I was there for the whole day but somehow managed to bustle off to sort something out and so miss saying my own vows. It was really quite odd and upsetting in an odd way.
I'm fed up with people at work who think they know me asking me how I'm doing and trying to jolly me out of answers like "Surviving" or "Not so bad". The next time someone assumes that I'm referring to the crap that's going on at work, I'm going to recount to them, in great detail, precisely why "Not so bad" is actually a pretty good summation of how I really feel.
Last night was the All Souls Eve (?? Night?? Spot the not-very-Anglican-at-all-really!) service at Gav's old church. I was sat at the back and I'm not sure that, beyond joining in with "Be thou my vision" at the end, that I actually engaged with any of the service. I spent most of it in a complete sulk with God. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"?!? What if I want answers, not comforting? What am I supposed to do then? I can't bear to ask Him. When I had something important, He ignored it. At the moment, I can't drag any comfort from reading the Bible and finding comfort in prayer would require me to want to talk to Him in the first place. The Bible seems full of stories along the lines of "My life is shit but God is and always will be good" but I need a story where the protagonist admits that prayer seems pointless, the Bible sounds trite to their ears and that it just doesn't seem worth worshipping a God who doesn't answer the important prayers like all the stories say that he does. I'm supposed to be training as an LPA at the moment but if I ever get asked to do the classic visiting-type stuff, I'm going to be worse than useless. All I can offer at the moment is my own pain and dislike of God. There's no way that I could toe the "corporate" line on any faith-based questions.
Hmm, now I've been completely derailed from my sulk by a webcomic artist who I follow on Twitter posting a photo of his Halloween costume. And I now have a really strong urge to devour all of the Thursday Next books in one sitting, which is not ideal, given that, as normal whenever I get anywhere near Blogger, it's gone midnight.
I'm fed up with people at work who think they know me asking me how I'm doing and trying to jolly me out of answers like "Surviving" or "Not so bad". The next time someone assumes that I'm referring to the crap that's going on at work, I'm going to recount to them, in great detail, precisely why "Not so bad" is actually a pretty good summation of how I really feel.
Last night was the All Souls Eve (?? Night?? Spot the not-very-Anglican-at-all-really!) service at Gav's old church. I was sat at the back and I'm not sure that, beyond joining in with "Be thou my vision" at the end, that I actually engaged with any of the service. I spent most of it in a complete sulk with God. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"?!? What if I want answers, not comforting? What am I supposed to do then? I can't bear to ask Him. When I had something important, He ignored it. At the moment, I can't drag any comfort from reading the Bible and finding comfort in prayer would require me to want to talk to Him in the first place. The Bible seems full of stories along the lines of "My life is shit but God is and always will be good" but I need a story where the protagonist admits that prayer seems pointless, the Bible sounds trite to their ears and that it just doesn't seem worth worshipping a God who doesn't answer the important prayers like all the stories say that he does. I'm supposed to be training as an LPA at the moment but if I ever get asked to do the classic visiting-type stuff, I'm going to be worse than useless. All I can offer at the moment is my own pain and dislike of God. There's no way that I could toe the "corporate" line on any faith-based questions.
Hmm, now I've been completely derailed from my sulk by a webcomic artist who I follow on Twitter posting a photo of his Halloween costume. And I now have a really strong urge to devour all of the Thursday Next books in one sitting, which is not ideal, given that, as normal whenever I get anywhere near Blogger, it's gone midnight.
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