Sunday, September 09, 2012

The latest update

Do you want to know what I miss the most?  Lazy weekends when nothing's been planned and you just randomly decide to go out and do something or to stay in and watch DVDs.  Being able to walk into a place and to leave it again with someone else rather than always walking in by yourself, even when you know you're meeting friends whereever it is that you're off to.  Not having to come up with plans to amuse yourself all the time.  Being able to have more than a superficial conversation with someone.  Oh, being able to have more than a superficial conversation with someone!  I don't know whether it's because I'm an INTP, whether it's because I'm a Gemini, whether it's because I'm generally crap at chit-chat, whether it's because I'm a squiggle, a Plant or a Specialist (I can't remember which I'm supposed to be), a Dreamer or any other of a hundred and one personality types or definitions depending on which criteria you use but this is a big one for me.  I love silly conversations with everyone in the pub but I prefer talking to only a couple of people at a time.  I miss my two best friends.  One of them lives locally and is married with a 15 month old son and the other lives in London and is married with a 1 month old daughter.  Strangely enough, family time always comes first for them these days and old friends end up on the outskirts.

The thing is, I'm kind of stuck.  I know that an "easy" solution would be just to pick up my phone and ring or text people to make plans of the sort that I can deal with but I can come up with so many reasons why that won't work, a major one being that I know that I'm generally never free at the same time as anyone else.  (There are others but there's a limit to the amount of soul-baring I'm going to do in one post! ;o) )

And you know what?  This "writing to clear my head" thing really does work.  Yes, there're times when I'm bitterly lonely but I do have friends who I should be at least texting when that happens.  Yes, I really miss being in a relationship but my heart's not yet mended enough to cope with getting into a relationship again and I *know* this without even testing the idea.  Yes, I'm scared stiff of ending up absolutely exhausted again as the autumn term ramps up but I'm now aware of how much spare time I've got and we're changing a lot of stuff at work so this season shouldn't be so manic.  Yes, I'm also scared about the huge step of faith that is my 4 1/2 month career break to work-shadow our Children & Families Worker at church but it is going to be oh so EXCITING as well!  And if it all goes wrong, I still get my job back at the end of it.  When it comes down to it, my living arrangements are secure, I can pay all the bills, I have a job that I really enjoy on a good day and have the freedom to change the way I deal with the boring stuff, I have my family and my friends.  I have a lot which I am very thankful for and, perhaps, I should think about this stuff more when the gloom comes down.  In the past, I've used Nina Simone's "Ain't Got No/I Got Life" as a kind of checklist of all the things that I do have in my life that I'm thankful for, perhaps I should listen to it a bit more often!

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