Good days and bad days

And that's all that there really is to the matter.

Last weekend was a good weekend, this one isn't shaping up to be so yet.  The answer is to go out and be sociable but when I feel like this, it's the last thing that I want to do.

Don't even want to write a blog post at the moment even though I'm sure that it'll help me sort my brain out.

I'm fed up of always ending up on my own again.  Our icebreaker at home group was to think of one memory that we would like to preserve forever.  Most of mine have turned bittersweet over the years as life has moved on and relationships have ended and stuff.  I had to go back to when I broke my leg to find one that time could never turn bittersweet.  (God, please don't ever put me in a situation where even that one could turn bittersweet!).  I'm fed up of having to grab moments of happiness where I find them.  I'm fed up of always having to look for the silver lining in every storm cloud because it's the only way I can stay sane.  Is it really too much to ask for my life to stay stable and sane for more than three years at a time?

I feel better now I've said all of that! :o)

Wednesday evening was when I started feeling rough like this and I put it down to having done far too much work during my week "off".  Given that it seems to be lingering for much longer than I expected, I'm going to give myself a deadline of Wednesday 22nd February.  If I'm still feeling particularly bleugh by then with no major let-up in between, then first thing on Thursday morning, I'll be ringing up either my doctor's surgery or the local self-referral mental health team.  I strongly suspect that I'll be okay in the end and won't need any extra help of any shape or form but I also remember from that first summer & autumn that it's very easy to not realise just how bad you've been feeling and for just how long you've been feeling that way.  Setting myself a deadline in public like this is probably going to be the only way that works for me at the moment.  If you're wondering why I've given myself a fortnight before doing anything, it's because this sort of feeling rough only starts counting as a problem when it's lasted for more than 2 weeks.  As it hasn't yet, but I can see that I wouldn't be aware of how long it'd dragged on for, I'm trying to be proactive about making sure I sort myself out properly if I need to.

With all that said and a plan in place, I already feel distinctly less bleugh about things and can already cope with the idea of going out to my friends' mum's birthday tonight.  (That was a difficult sentence to write, it had too many apostrophes to keep track of! :o) )  Earlier on this morning, I was all ready to wuss out and hide at home.  I really am my own worst enemy at times.