The Helen version of broodiness

It's felt almost taboo at times discussing this here.  It's felt almost taboo discussing it at all.  I don't know why.  It's easier to pretend that babies "scare me"; that I don't know anything about holding them; almost that I love my life too much to every want children of my own.  Kids are lovely in small doses but it's so nice to give them back after Brownies or whatever.

I've been talking complete bullshit for years.

Once upon a time, when I was engaged to a guy galled Phil, we assumed that we'd end up having two, although more likely three, children.  We split up when I was 23 (unless I'd just turned 24, June 2005 at any rate).  (Wow, was I young!  I didn't feel it at the time though.).

I was 26 when I met Gav, 27 when we started going out and I assumed kids would happen at some point.  That was before I realised the full repercussions of his kidney disease and the drugs he was on.  There was a possible genetic element to some of what caused the kidney disease in the first place and there was no way that he wanted to pass anything on to any future children.  Let alone any possibly side effects of all the drugs he was on and the potential reality for me of being both carer for husband and mother of toddler.  By this time, I was willing to trade the chance of children for being married to Gavin.  It took time to deal with but I had decided that happiness with Gavin was worth far more to me than the chance to have children.

Then he passed away.

And because of my choices and what life's thrown at me, I'm 31, unmarried and childless.  Everyone I can think of that's my age is either married, has children or both.

I'd be talking even more bullshit if I said that I've never considered what life would be like if I hadn't dumped Phil.  I learnt a lot from that relationship but we were both still young and didn't have the experience to make it work properly.  Reminding myself that, had we stayed together then, I could now be getting divorced (he would cheat on me during rough patches rather than talking to me) while working on a PhD at an overseas university and looking after a small child or two does help to put it all into perspective somewhat.

I was sat with a couple of friends and the baby of one of them at lunch today.  I've always taken a step back when the baby has been passed around for cuddles before.  I've had a stinking cold and haven't wanted to pass it on.  I've been just on my way to set something set up.  Then their puddings came out before mine so it made sense that I'd end up holding him while they ate.  And he was so happy on my lap that his mum asked if I'd mind watching him while she ran the other friend back to work.  And he was still perfectly content to be bounced up and down while she was away and then the older ladies at café started on the age old "you do seem to have a way with babies, Helen".  Even my Grandad who was there was also teasing me about it a bit.  Ouch.  Perhaps I've spent too long pretending that I'm happy being child-free that they don't realise that I consider myself to be child-less.

I would love to have a child or two of my own to cuddle, tell stories to and to watch grow up.  I just haven't got to that part of my journey through life yet.  I still can't believe that I'm never supposed to have children of my own and I do wonder how I'm going to cope if God really wants me to be a children's worker.  Yet, if that's the way God wants my life to be then that's what I'll live with.  I'm sure that there's a psalm that says it perfectly but in the meantime, the Rend Collective Experiment's "The Cost" works perfectly as a prayer/answer/statement of why I'll get through it.

I'm saying "yes" to you,
And no to my desires.
I'll leave myself behind
And follow you.

I'm counting up the cost, and He is worth it.

Writing stuff down so then I can't get locked in an argument with myself again

Potentially, that sounds a smidgen odd as title but I've just reread Carpe Jugulum and I can kind of understand Agnes and Mightily Oats arguing with Perdita and "Bad" Oats.

You see, the thing is, when you're single and don't live with close friends or family and also lack close friends and have apparently acquired a whole host of trust issues along the way which don't combine well to make making close friends an easy task, you end up having to be ridiculously aware of what sort of mood you're in and you also have to be your own cheerleader to talk yourself out of one of those moods.  And that, quite frankly, is frigging hard work!  You end up stuck in this awful, horrible vicious circle where you try to talk yourself out of it; nearly succeed and so relax for a bit; decide that you're going to have a tantrum and sulk about whatever anyway; attempt to talk yourself out of it again; realise that you're bored and fed up of being your own cheerleader; sulk about (apparently) having no-one apart from your mum to offload onto; sulk and whine again because this is a stupid situation for a 31-year old to be in and generally exhaust yourself like an overtired child.  And you know what was probably at the root of tonight's pity party?  I had a busy day in what is still a new job.  I forgot to factor in the usual crunch of mental gears when swapping from admin to kids' club. A minor thing really, and one I can easily learn from but for any number of reasons, I instead chose to make it the focus of a “you're crap, why are you doing this?" moment which lasted for about 5 hours, on and off this evening.

FIVE HOURS?!?!?!?!

This is where the being alone thing is a complete liability because there's no one to call you out on such a silly waste of time and mental energy.

I'm not a perfectionist.  Things don't generally have to be "just so". However, I am competitive and generally still guilty of holding myself to impossibly high standards at the same time ("I must be top of the class").

Moral of tonight's story?  I need to learn to be much gentler on myself at times!

Small steps and leaps and bounds

Oddly, despite posting this at dark o'clock, this isn't an insomnia-fueled post.  It's possibly still (even 8 hours later) a wine & cocktail infused post, but it's not insomnia based!

Yesterday was a bit of a big day for me for various reasons.  It was the last day of one of our annual week-long events which, while it represents the culmination of a lot of hard work on behalf of a lot of people, is also bloody hard work and we do celebrate a bit when it's all over.  It was my last day at work before my 4½ month long career break.  It was also nearly, but not quite, the day I asked a guy I like out.

I've had a bit of a soft spot for him pretty much ever since I started work in the admin department five years ago.  We've shared a goodly few laughs and moans over tea in the office kitchen or drinks in the pub and via email when we don't get chance to speak to each other that often.  I really enjoy the time I spend with him and so I decided that my last night before career break was the perfect time to get, well, drunk and flirtatious and to see what happened.  The trouble is that suddenly turning all touchy and huggy with him pretty much got lost in the noise of our colleagues being drunk and the hug-fest that ensued.  Somehow, in the ensuing madness of sorting out lifts and taxis and buses at the end of the night, he disappeared before I could could say anything outright.  So, what's a modern girl to do in these circumstances?  Why, when she gets home, she send the guy in question a message on Facebook, "I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye properly.  Keep in touch. Oh, by the way, I really like you but don't know if this is mutual".  Long story short, he likes me too but he's got stuff he wants to sort out in his head before getting into a relationship.  Which, from my point of view, is actually a fair comment to make.  While I was just using my career break as a fairly safe point to find our if he is interested, on the basis that, if I made a fool of myself, I wouldn't be in the office on Monday morning, in all honesty, I'm really not far enough away from losing Gavin to male it worth starting a new relationship.  If it was someone who'd just be up for a bit of fun then I'd risk it but he's not that type (which'll be why I like him in the first place ;o) )

So, still single but we'll see what happens over the coming months.

So, my brain is still moderately elsewhere

I'm not exactly sure quite what I mean by elsewhere but that's definitely where my brain is.  Stuff with friend-who-I-had-an-unsuitable-crush-on is definitely and finally at a good solid point where nothing is wrong or just plain weird any more.  M from work is quite lovely but I feel it would be forcing things to make anything more out of a good friendship.  I say I'm not ready for a relationship at this point  and I don't think I'm wrong there but, on the other hand, I do feel that I could certainly cope with someone who I could like be being interested in me.

The latest update

Do you want to know what I miss the most?  Lazy weekends when nothing's been planned and you just randomly decide to go out and do something or to stay in and watch DVDs.  Being able to walk into a place and to leave it again with someone else rather than always walking in by yourself, even when you know you're meeting friends whereever it is that you're off to.  Not having to come up with plans to amuse yourself all the time.  Being able to have more than a superficial conversation with someone.  Oh, being able to have more than a superficial conversation with someone!  I don't know whether it's because I'm an INTP, whether it's because I'm a Gemini, whether it's because I'm generally crap at chit-chat, whether it's because I'm a squiggle, a Plant or a Specialist (I can't remember which I'm supposed to be), a Dreamer or any other of a hundred and one personality types or definitions depending on which criteria you use but this is a big one for me.  I love silly conversations with everyone in the pub but I prefer talking to only a couple of people at a time.  I miss my two best friends.  One of them lives locally and is married with a 15 month old son and the other lives in London and is married with a 1 month old daughter.  Strangely enough, family time always comes first for them these days and old friends end up on the outskirts.

The thing is, I'm kind of stuck.  I know that an "easy" solution would be just to pick up my phone and ring or text people to make plans of the sort that I can deal with but I can come up with so many reasons why that won't work, a major one being that I know that I'm generally never free at the same time as anyone else.  (There are others but there's a limit to the amount of soul-baring I'm going to do in one post! ;o) )

And you know what?  This "writing to clear my head" thing really does work.  Yes, there're times when I'm bitterly lonely but I do have friends who I should be at least texting when that happens.  Yes, I really miss being in a relationship but my heart's not yet mended enough to cope with getting into a relationship again and I *know* this without even testing the idea.  Yes, I'm scared stiff of ending up absolutely exhausted again as the autumn term ramps up but I'm now aware of how much spare time I've got and we're changing a lot of stuff at work so this season shouldn't be so manic.  Yes, I'm also scared about the huge step of faith that is my 4 1/2 month career break to work-shadow our Children & Families Worker at church but it is going to be oh so EXCITING as well!  And if it all goes wrong, I still get my job back at the end of it.  When it comes down to it, my living arrangements are secure, I can pay all the bills, I have a job that I really enjoy on a good day and have the freedom to change the way I deal with the boring stuff, I have my family and my friends.  I have a lot which I am very thankful for and, perhaps, I should think about this stuff more when the gloom comes down.  In the past, I've used Nina Simone's "Ain't Got No/I Got Life" as a kind of checklist of all the things that I do have in my life that I'm thankful for, perhaps I should listen to it a bit more often!

Hugs are tanglesome things

When is a gentle hug just a hug and when does it turn into a cuddle?  That last hug felt so sad and gentle and I only broke it off because everyone else could see and I didn't want them to start wondering.  Which is a pretty pants reason now I come to think of it.

Oh, I'm all caught up on a tide of nostalgia now.  The campfire in my friends' garden led on to talk of camps we have known and loved which, for me, was definitely Camp Eagle Owl/Camp No Name in Sweden in July 1997.  I was 16, I'd just done my GCSEs and my Ranger unit went off on an international trip to Sweden to visit a Scout troop we were friends with in Sundsvall.  It was amazing.  For several years after, I kept in touch with some of them and we met at several more camps over the years.  I frequently wished one of them, Daniel, lived closer to home but it was never to be.  Neither of us were ever single and on camp together at the same time.  I often wondered whether we would ever had gone out with each other had life been completely different.  Thinking about it, long hugs good-night were a feature of that non-relationship too but I don't remember thinking that they were odd, just that Danne was silly when it came to hugs.

It's slightly odd to think that I could have stood there all night holding him. It was that sort of slow, companionable night which sitting around a fire often results in.

All confusticated

I'm not 100% sure why I'm in quite such an odd mood today. Part of the reason will certainly be because I was up late last night reading instead of getting the early night that I desperately needed. Part of it will be because my new favourite songs are distinctly wistful and haunting and somewhat melancholy and I've been listening to them on repeat and their atmosphere has affected my brain. Part of it will also be because I'm unbearably lonely at times. People do live in the flat with me but I sometimes (and all to frequently recently) feel that I'm just the flat's owner rather than being a real person who lives there too. I have plenty of old friends at the moment but none that I could describe as a best friend. All of the people who have been best friends have moved away or moved on or both.

Wow. Those are some cheerful thoughts. Never mind, they're where my head currently is and I'm just going to have to deal with them. I don't have a clue how but I'll save that as a problem for another day.

Today, all I want to do is hibernate and pretend that the world doesn't exist.

I may be more tired than I thought. I'm sure that normal service will return after a good night's sleep!