Tuesday, November 01, 2011

A week later

I've survived what could well have been the world's most difficult weekend and I was doing so damned well until last night.  I didn't sleep well, I kept waking up every couple of hours and then I had a really unfriendly dream.  I dreamt it was my wedding day.  I'm still not sure where this wedding took place.  It wasn't X Church, if anything, it looked more like the Graphics room in the Technology block at my old school, possibly crossed with one of the many St P's around here.  I was there for the whole day but somehow managed to bustle off to sort something out and so miss saying my own vows.  It was really quite odd and upsetting in an odd way.

I'm fed up with people at work who think they know me asking me how I'm doing and trying to jolly me out of answers like "Surviving" or "Not so bad".  The next time someone assumes that I'm referring to the crap that's going on at work, I'm going to recount to them, in great detail, precisely why "Not so bad" is actually a pretty good summation of how I really feel.

Last night was the All Souls Eve (?? Night??  Spot the not-very-Anglican-at-all-really!) service at Gav's old church.  I was sat at the back and I'm not sure that, beyond joining in with "Be thou my vision" at the end, that I actually engaged with any of the service.  I spent most of it in a complete sulk with God.  "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted"?!?  What if I want answers, not comforting?  What am I supposed to do then?  I can't bear to ask Him.  When I had something important, He ignored it.  At the moment, I can't drag any comfort from reading the Bible and finding comfort in prayer would require me to want to talk to Him in the first place.  The Bible seems full of stories along the lines of "My life is shit but God is and always will be good" but I need a story where the protagonist admits that prayer seems pointless, the Bible sounds trite to their ears and that it just doesn't seem worth worshipping a God who doesn't answer the important prayers like all the stories say that he does.  I'm supposed to be training as an LPA at the moment but if I ever get asked to do the classic visiting-type stuff, I'm going to be worse than useless.  All I can offer at the moment is my own pain and dislike of God.  There's no way that I could toe the "corporate" line on any faith-based questions.

Hmm, now I've been completely derailed from my sulk by a webcomic artist who I follow on Twitter posting a photo of his Halloween costume.  And I now have a really strong urge to devour all of the Thursday Next books in one sitting, which is not ideal, given that, as normal whenever I get anywhere near Blogger, it's gone midnight.

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