So, my brain is still moderately elsewhere

I'm not exactly sure quite what I mean by elsewhere but that's definitely where my brain is.  Stuff with friend-who-I-had-an-unsuitable-crush-on is definitely and finally at a good solid point where nothing is wrong or just plain weird any more.  M from work is quite lovely but I feel it would be forcing things to make anything more out of a good friendship.  I say I'm not ready for a relationship at this point  and I don't think I'm wrong there but, on the other hand, I do feel that I could certainly cope with someone who I could like be being interested in me.

The latest update

Do you want to know what I miss the most?  Lazy weekends when nothing's been planned and you just randomly decide to go out and do something or to stay in and watch DVDs.  Being able to walk into a place and to leave it again with someone else rather than always walking in by yourself, even when you know you're meeting friends whereever it is that you're off to.  Not having to come up with plans to amuse yourself all the time.  Being able to have more than a superficial conversation with someone.  Oh, being able to have more than a superficial conversation with someone!  I don't know whether it's because I'm an INTP, whether it's because I'm a Gemini, whether it's because I'm generally crap at chit-chat, whether it's because I'm a squiggle, a Plant or a Specialist (I can't remember which I'm supposed to be), a Dreamer or any other of a hundred and one personality types or definitions depending on which criteria you use but this is a big one for me.  I love silly conversations with everyone in the pub but I prefer talking to only a couple of people at a time.  I miss my two best friends.  One of them lives locally and is married with a 15 month old son and the other lives in London and is married with a 1 month old daughter.  Strangely enough, family time always comes first for them these days and old friends end up on the outskirts.

The thing is, I'm kind of stuck.  I know that an "easy" solution would be just to pick up my phone and ring or text people to make plans of the sort that I can deal with but I can come up with so many reasons why that won't work, a major one being that I know that I'm generally never free at the same time as anyone else.  (There are others but there's a limit to the amount of soul-baring I'm going to do in one post! ;o) )

And you know what?  This "writing to clear my head" thing really does work.  Yes, there're times when I'm bitterly lonely but I do have friends who I should be at least texting when that happens.  Yes, I really miss being in a relationship but my heart's not yet mended enough to cope with getting into a relationship again and I *know* this without even testing the idea.  Yes, I'm scared stiff of ending up absolutely exhausted again as the autumn term ramps up but I'm now aware of how much spare time I've got and we're changing a lot of stuff at work so this season shouldn't be so manic.  Yes, I'm also scared about the huge step of faith that is my 4 1/2 month career break to work-shadow our Children & Families Worker at church but it is going to be oh so EXCITING as well!  And if it all goes wrong, I still get my job back at the end of it.  When it comes down to it, my living arrangements are secure, I can pay all the bills, I have a job that I really enjoy on a good day and have the freedom to change the way I deal with the boring stuff, I have my family and my friends.  I have a lot which I am very thankful for and, perhaps, I should think about this stuff more when the gloom comes down.  In the past, I've used Nina Simone's "Ain't Got No/I Got Life" as a kind of checklist of all the things that I do have in my life that I'm thankful for, perhaps I should listen to it a bit more often!

Hugs are tanglesome things

When is a gentle hug just a hug and when does it turn into a cuddle?  That last hug felt so sad and gentle and I only broke it off because everyone else could see and I didn't want them to start wondering.  Which is a pretty pants reason now I come to think of it.

Oh, I'm all caught up on a tide of nostalgia now.  The campfire in my friends' garden led on to talk of camps we have known and loved which, for me, was definitely Camp Eagle Owl/Camp No Name in Sweden in July 1997.  I was 16, I'd just done my GCSEs and my Ranger unit went off on an international trip to Sweden to visit a Scout troop we were friends with in Sundsvall.  It was amazing.  For several years after, I kept in touch with some of them and we met at several more camps over the years.  I frequently wished one of them, Daniel, lived closer to home but it was never to be.  Neither of us were ever single and on camp together at the same time.  I often wondered whether we would ever had gone out with each other had life been completely different.  Thinking about it, long hugs good-night were a feature of that non-relationship too but I don't remember thinking that they were odd, just that Danne was silly when it came to hugs.

It's slightly odd to think that I could have stood there all night holding him. It was that sort of slow, companionable night which sitting around a fire often results in.

All confusticated

I'm not 100% sure why I'm in quite such an odd mood today. Part of the reason will certainly be because I was up late last night reading instead of getting the early night that I desperately needed. Part of it will be because my new favourite songs are distinctly wistful and haunting and somewhat melancholy and I've been listening to them on repeat and their atmosphere has affected my brain. Part of it will also be because I'm unbearably lonely at times. People do live in the flat with me but I sometimes (and all to frequently recently) feel that I'm just the flat's owner rather than being a real person who lives there too. I have plenty of old friends at the moment but none that I could describe as a best friend. All of the people who have been best friends have moved away or moved on or both.

Wow. Those are some cheerful thoughts. Never mind, they're where my head currently is and I'm just going to have to deal with them. I don't have a clue how but I'll save that as a problem for another day.

Today, all I want to do is hibernate and pretend that the world doesn't exist.

I may be more tired than I thought. I'm sure that normal service will return after a good night's sleep!

Sending emails to myself

So back in November, I found FutureMe and decided to write myself an email to be delivered today.  By the time I logged onto my email today, I'd completely forgotten all about it so it was a nice surprise for me.  Here's what I wrote to myself late one night in late November...

Dear FutureMe,

I'm sending this because, dear God!, is today likely to be an awful day.

Remember the joy of doing the LPA course.

Remember drinking champagne after working at Graduation and pointing A (and B!!) in the direction of food or champagne.

Remember dancing in 60 at R's b'day and thinking that you'd actually walked into a Questionable Content strip.

Remember the taste of that fine, fine mincemeat (I hope! It's still in the cupboard maturing at the moment).

Remember the solid bed rock of love and support that comes from home group.

Remember to go and get prayer if you hide yourself behind your barbed wire fence again.

Remember sitting drinking tea with M, D and An, keeping the chiminea going.

Remember the times spent talking rubbish with Mt and S.

Remember the one, truly unconstrained worship session at Soul Survivor.

Remember to feel ze burn!

Remember Tribute and the Day of Hugs.

Remember the feel of the dog's ears.

Remember the buzz from correctly anticipating worship team and the minister when you're trying to run AVP.

Remember gossiping with C while waiting for the Dominos order.

Remember the odd things like finally having cushions that match the rest of your bedroom.

Please do remember that if you're feeling physically rough, it constructively interferes with an mental rough feeling and it all spirals out of control. Take a couple of paracetamol, one large mug of tea or hot chocolate and go and watch the waves for a bit.

Remember that you're allowed to ask for help from others. Make sure you do. Work will almost certainly not be expecting you in today (although that'll depend on whether or not I chose to take some A/L around then). Even if you were silly and thought you could work through it all, K is sure to let you text in rather than phone, today of all days.

Remember to read psalm 116.

Please don't get stuck listening to any one song on repeat, pick a selection of songs and use shuffle.

Well, as it's turned out, today's been pretty much okay.  Sunday was rough for a bit after the Rainbow sleepover just because of the timing of everything but, apart from that, all has been pretty good.  The lovely weather and the fact that I've got a few days off of work have definitely helped.  It has to be said, some of my advice to myself has definitely made me giggle!  (To understand "feeling ze burn", go onto YouTube and look up Johannes von Lycra, he's a bit of an in joke from Soul Survivor)

Quick update

I'm still here :o)  I'm still functioning.  I didn't get the job (poo!) but learnt quite a bit from the application process so that's all good.  I might be posting properly again this week, it depends on how it all goes.  I've got through the first hurdle this week (this Sunday last year was when I had to dial 999 for the first time in my life) and found that it was all a lot easier than I expected when I asked for help to deal with it.

Eeek! (Not my normal posting topic)

I've been in my current job for 4 years now.  It's what I refer to as a "specialist administrator job".  Filing and typing and stuff is minimal and much of my time is spent either setting up and auditing parts of our database or else providing helpdesk-type support for our users.  It doesn't stretch me any more (and hasn't done for some time now) but it pays much more than anywhere else locally would pay me for a similar level of ability.  I also happen to work in a fairly unique field and working anywhere else which actually needs my expertise would require a 50 mile round-trip commute every day just to get to the office.  I do quite like my job though; it also pays the bills and the people I work with are amazing so it's really much better than it sounds.  Coming up for two years ago, I went on secondment to another team but ended up returning earlier than expected to my normal role.  With hindsight, it was a very silly idea to start a new job while Gav was still in ICU and only two weeks after my nan had passed away.  I could have done with staying put in my normal job that summer!  Anyway, stuff happened that I couldn't cope with, I was making mistakes left, right and centre and became convinced that I was a complete failure.  After Gav got discharged from hospital and then promptly readmitted with an infection only a week or two later, I ended up going on sick leave with "low mood" for 3 1/2 weeks and HR recommended that I go back to my old job.  People were surprised that I was willing to go back at the busiest time of year but I'd started in the office as a temp at that time 3 years earlier and the chaos was what I was used to!  I knew that I could do all those dull and repetitive admin jobs (like alphabetising 12,000 labelled envelopes) without a problem.  I've tried my hardest to work on my confidence since then but it hasn't always been easy.  One of the biggest helps has been to completely ignore things like Failblog and all the other places on the internet where the word "fail" is horribly misused.  I've decided that failure should only be used of measurable outcomes.  I could fail an exam; I could fail to pot the red in pool and instead pot the black; I could fail to cook the meat enough.  Putting cheese in the omelette that I'm cooking for myself instead of the ham that I wanted isn't a failure.  It might not be a ham omelette but is it still a tasty dinner?  If the answer's yes then I've succeeded, not failed.

So, we've established what happened the last time I tried to apply for a new job.  I've also been told by our section leader that I "could go far".  I think the rough idea was that my secondment would go amazingly well and it'd allow me to start zigzagging up our job ladder and the one where I did my secondment and I'd eventually end up pretty much at her level.  A fantastic idea, had everything worked out as we expected!  But I came back sorely lacking in confidence and with far too much going on at home to cope with more than the normal routine of audits and set-up.  Recently though, I've been starting to get bored with my usual work, particularly when I found out that the requested promotion to a senior administrator wasn't going to happen.  I fully admit to having kept an eye out for other jobs locally but those that I could do didn't pay me enough and those that I could afford to do required a completely different skill set.

There's been a draft job advert sat in our printing tray for most of the week so far but I hadn't really read it.  It looked halfway interesting but the pay grade was "TBC" as was the duration of the contract.  I happened to check our intranet this afternoon and saw that the jobs page had just been updated.  Oddly enough, I scrolled through the whole list today.  Normally, I just scroll through the ones at the top until I find one I remember being posted earlier on in the week as I've always assumed that they're sorted by date posted.  It turns out that they've changed the system and now sort them by closing date and one of the jobs in the middle of the list was for this post where I'd seen the draft advert.  Unlike the others posted today which all have a month until the closing date, this one only has 1 1/2 weeks so appears in the middle of the list.  Essentially, it's for a data analyst post.  It's got a complicated job title to it but that's perfectly standard with public sector posts.  It's two grades up from where I am now but everything listed in the job description and person specification is all stuff that I've done before.  Perhaps I haven't worked on some of the stuff listed for nearly 10 years but, even so, it's something that I've always been pretty good at and it shouldn't take me to long to get back in the swing of things.  It's not going to be easy to work out which examples I'm going to be using to prove that I meet the person specification as they're all going to be scattered between just about every single job or voluntary position I've ever held in my entire adult life.  The other good thing about the job is that it's internal applicants only.  Certainly from our office, there's only likely to be one other applicant and, should I lose out to him, I'd consider that perfectly fair.  I suspect that I'd win in comparison to him on the intrapersonal stuff although he'd easily win on database queries.  The only trouble is that I have absolutely no idea who else across our entire organisation would also be interested in applying for it.  I think that everyone I know who'd be a likely suspect is already grade 5 or above but I have no idea whether there's anyone else out there.  I can't be the only person who's working in a completely different area at the moment who wants to change so I haven't got a chance of guessing who else I might be up against.  That is, if anyone else noticed that it was on the jobs page!